Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

“I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go.” Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic…

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
Agatha Christie

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him… is he still wrong?

The sincerest love is the love of food.
Bernard Shaw .

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
Josh Billings

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener! Unknown

The great question… which I have not been able to
answer… is, “What ..does a woman want?”
– Freud

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.”

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.”
Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law

Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-Oscar Wilde

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.—
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henry Youngman.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
Coleridge

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.
Benjamin Franklin

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.

.The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henry Youngman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
Hellfire Hotchkiss

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
Lord Byron

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante.

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ‘y’ is silent .

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher
. Socrates

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
– Albert Einstein – Funny Love Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
– Jim Backus

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
George Burns.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.”
George Burns.

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
Woody Allen.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once

Yawn – Nature’s way of letting married men open their mouths

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Honolulu — it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish…

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman

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Tags: Agatha Christie If, agatha christie, Agatha Christie If, Ambrose Bierce, Archaeologist, Atlantic, Average Man, Bachelors, Benjamin Franklin Do, Benjamin Franklin Do, Bernard Shaw, David Bissonette, Eye Opener, Freud, Funny Quotes, God, Henry Youngman, Jack, Jimmy Durante, Josh Billings, Law Man, Lord Byron, Mae West, man, marriage, Miss Right, Mother In Law, Oscar Wilde, Phyllis Diller, Rodney Dangerfield, rose, Second Marriage, Sinks, Socrates Men, Socrates Men, Successful Man, Temporary Insanity, Toxic Waste, Venus, wife, Women Are From Venus, Zsa Zsa Gabor

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